


If You Can't Handle the Heat, Get Out of the Kitchen

by fortunehasgivenup



Series: prompt fills [6]
Category: Good Girls (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friendship, Innuendo, Prompt Fill, Secret Identity, Suggestive Photos of Vegetables
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:35:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22867207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortunehasgivenup/pseuds/fortunehasgivenup
Summary: After Ruby's new restaurant gets a bad review, café owner Beth vows to take vengeance on the reviewer, C. Mendez, whoever that is.
Relationships: Beth Boland/Rio
Series: prompt fills [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1608919
Comments: 36
Kudos: 204





	If You Can't Handle the Heat, Get Out of the Kitchen

**Author's Note:**

> medievalraven said:  
> Prompt: “my best friend owns a restaurant and you wrote a bad review of it in the local paper so it has become my goal to track you down and fight you” for brio
> 
> Which was then elaborated upon and added to, so basically the entirety of the plot and a good chunk of the dialogue is from us plotting it out.

“I’ll kill him,” Beth says.

Ruby continues to scribble over the newspaper with one of Jane’s markers. “I’ll visit you in prison,” she responds.

Annie is just scowling at the article Ruby is steadily covering with blue ink. “Clumsy?”

“I mean,” Beth mutters, trailing off and glancing away when Annie transfers the glare to her. “You did spill the drink.”

“Someone bumped into me!” Annie snatches the newspaper away from Ruby and rips it in half. “Who even reads the newspaper anyways?”

Beth sips her coffee and reaches over to pat Ruby’s hand. “All of the other reviews have been great, Ruby. It’ll be okay.”

“And yet, this is the one I’m going to be thinking of when I fall asleep for the next six months.” Ruby turns her hand over so they’re holding hands and she squeezes Beth’s. “It’s just so - frustrating! His problems aren’t even with the food or with things that we could control. We had one - _one_ \- mix-up with the supplier. Of course that was the night he showed up.”

C. Mendez. The vitriolic restaurant reviewer. Beth is only half kidding with her offer to kill him. The guy is downright vicious in his reviews. He doesn’t do second chances. 

And he’s just given Ruby’s restaurant one hell of a bad review.

“It’s just a lot,” Ruby says. “I’ll be ok, I swear. I just need to be pissed about it with you two so when I see Stan, I can be level headed.”

“Stan’s the most level headed person I’ve ever met,” Annie says. “But I would not cross you ever, for fear of him.”

Beth smiles. Stan is extremely even keeled, but when it comes to Ruby and the kids, he can be a bit more defensive. It’s sweet.

“This reminds me,” Annie says, “did I tell you about that dude I spilled on?”

Beth looks at her sister. 

“Hot hot hot,” Annie tells her. “Like, he should be modelling sunglasses or tight black t-shirts, something like that.”

Beth has to laugh at her sister's priorities and she’s glad to see that Ruby does too. She's been glum the whole visit.

“And then when I tried to pat at the drink I’d just spilled on his leg,” she goes on, “let me tell you…” she trails off, eyes wide.

“Annie!” Ruby stops laughing. 

“Look, how was I supposed to know that his penis was going to be there!” Annie asks. “Besides, I apologized. Profusely!”

“Yeah, well C. Mendez saw that happen and wasn’t impressed,” Ruby points out. 

Annie sobers. “This is all my fault.”

Beth reaches out to put her hand on Annie’s shoulder. “No, it isn’t.”

“She’s right,” Ruby says, “it isn’t your fault. It was just a clusterfuck of a night that we weren’t prepared for. Between the shipment mix-up, Diane needing to take Max to the hospital for his arm…”

“Yeah, but now you know what to do next time, right?” Beth offers. 

Ruby grimaces. “Yeah, throw myself into the lake.”

She hugs her best friend from the side, rubbing her arm. “It’s gonna be ok. Swear.”

———————————

Beth loves owning a café. If you had told her that she would, she would have laughed. Customer service? Long days?

But then the divorce had happened and she’d needed an outlet plus some income, which had led to her working at Mabel’s. Which had led to Mabel retiring and setting up a generous payment plan for Beth to take ownership. So now Beth was a proud café owner.

She’d wanted to keep the name - Mabel’s was a bit of a neighbourhood institution - but Mabel had pushed her to rename it, so now the sign out front said Beth’s.

Pouring out a latte into a mug, she slid it across the counter to a frazzled looking student.

“Thank you,” Mim groaned. “You’re a lifesaver.”

“No, I’m your caffeine provider,” Beth laughed. “After this, I’m switching you to decaf. You’re too young for heart failure.”

She slid a shortbread cookie that had ended up smaller than the others onto the plate before Mim could take it or even notice it until she was back at her table.

“Thanks, Beth!” she calls out, waving the cookie.

Beth smiled, her eye catching on another one of her regulars passing the front window. Biting her lip, she got started on his Americano, one sugar.

“Am I that predictable?” he asks when he reaches the counter.

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Beth says, filling the rest of the cup with hot water. “Consistent maybe.”

Rio - that’s the only name that he’s ever given - accepts the cup from Beth with a soft smile. “Thanks,” he says. “What have you got today?” He pushes over the exact change for his coffee, rings scraping softly against the countertop. He was always wearing an assortment of jewellery and today was no different.

Beth grins back. She only has so much time to experiment with her recipes these days, but she’d found a willing guinea pig in Rio. Reaching for the plate she’d stashed behind the counter, she presents him with a pastry.

“What is it?” he asks.

“You’ll see,” Beth teases.

It’s a cinnamon sugar croissant. Rather than taking the pastry and his drink to one of the tables like most people do, Rio just leans against the counter and takes a bite.

He chews, considering, then swallows. “You got more of those?” he asks. “Because I think I need like seven.”

Beth laughs. “Like you eat seven croissants at a time,” she scoffs, looking at his lean torso. It’s fall now, and he’s wearing a jacket, but in the summer she’d seen his arms. He definitely worked out.

“I can,” he responds, sipping his coffee, “but most of them ain’t worth it. Unless they’re yours, of course.”

She blushes, busies herself with cleaning up a couple of things in the sink. When she turns back, Rio’s still there, snacking on the croissant and checking something on his phone. He’s smiling to himself as he practically inhales the last couple of bites.

“Verdict?” she asks, taking the plate back.

Setting his hand over his heart, Rio looks at her. “Delicious,” he tells her. “No one can outdo you.”

“Flatterer,” Beth says.

Rio finishes off his coffee and slides the mug back to her. “I’d starve without you, Elizabeth.”

“Flatterer!” Beth repeats with a shake of her head. “But thank you.”

He smiles and drops some cash into the tip jar. “You’re welcome. I’ll see you around.” He leaves with a glance over his shoulder at her, then disappears into the Tuesday morning crowd.

There’s a sigh that startles Beth out of her reverie. “Mim!” Beth says, laughing self-consciously.

“That man is just absurdly handsome,” Mim remarks. “And he is so into you, it’s wild. I can practically taste the sexual tension from over here.”

“He’s not into me,” Beth insists.

Mim looks at her, then scoffs. “Keep telling yourself that, _Elizabeth_.” With a wink, she runs back to her table and her schoolwork. 

Beth rinses Rio’s mug and puts it and the plate with the other dishes. She’s got a full load, so she takes the bin into the back to load up the dishwasher. It’s not because she’s running away from Mim. Not at all.

———————————

“What are you doing, Annie?” Beth sighs as her sister scrolls through something on her phone.

“I found his Instagram,” Annie says, not making any sense.

Ruby looks just as confused. “Whose?”

“C. Mendez!” Annie shouts. “Well, I had it earlier. Now I can’t - oh there it is.” She taps the screen a few times. “He takes all these really Instagrammy photos of his food. Nothing that shows his face though.”

“Could be a her,” Ruby says.

Annie makes a face. “I guess.”

“How’s Sara doing?” Beth turns back to Ruby. “You said she’s been able to stay all soccer practice. That’s great!”

Ruby starts to gush about all the improvements to Sara’s health when Annie gasps.

“Isn’t that one of your cups?” Annie demands and turns her phone towards Beth.

It is, but that’s not what Beth’s eyes focus on. It’s the rings and bracelet that get her attention. She recognizes them.

“Rio,” she says.

Annie looks at the picture, then back at Beth. “Huh?”

“Rio,” Ruby repeats. “The guy you’ve been bake-flirting with for months?”

Beth nods. “Those are his rings.”

“He’s C. Mendez?” Annie gasps. “You really can murder him!”

Beth looks at Ruby. “He’s so…nice in person.”

Ruby rubs her lips together. “You shouldn’t do anything.”

“What?” Beth and Annie both reply.

Ruby shrugs. “What would it do other than screw you over? The review’s published, his opinion’s out there. Just leave it, Bee. He could say something bad about the café.”

“No!” Beth regains some of her earlier anger over the review. “What he said was unnecessary and shouldn’t be allowed to stand. I’m not gonna let him mess this up for you!”

“Beth,” Ruby says, “I’m serious, just leave it.”

There’s something in Ruby’s voice that makes Beth nod. 

She has no intention of just leaving it.

———————————

Beth catches sight of Rio walking by the front window and starts pulling his espresso.

She’s been thinking about what to say to him for days and still hasn’t gotten past, “You jackass.” She should have had Annie help her. She doesn’t say anything when he comes in, running the espresso machine in what she hopes is a pointed way.

Beth picks up the sugar to add, then pauses. She sets it down and picks up the salt shaker, dumping it into the bottom of the cup and swirling it with the espresso. 

She tops it up with hot water and passes it over the counter to Rio with a sweet smile. He takes it, fingers brushing hers, then lifts it to his lips and takes a sip. Beth sees the taste register, his mouth twisting as he swallows.

He puts the cup down. “I think you mighta put salt in this by accident,” he says, sliding it back across the counter.

“Oh, it was on purpose,” Beth assures him.

Rio’s head jerks back.

“That’s what you get for being a salty jackass,” she says, “who is too busy hunting for a snappy sentence to care about peoples’ feelings. If you’re waiting for your pastry, you’re going to be waiting for a while.”

Rio stares at her.

“Daddy,” a voice comes from the other side of the counter, out of Beth’s sight, “why is the lady mad at you?”

Beth’s eyes widen as she leans forward so she can see the little boy standing next to Rio. The boy smiles up at her. “Hi!” he greets her. “I’m Marcus.”

“Hi Marcus,” Beth replies on autopilot. “I’m Beth.”

He nods. “I know! My dad says you make really good stuff. Can I please have a hot chocolate?”

She’s charmed, despite herself.

“Of course,” she tells Marcus. “For here or to go?”

“I think to go,” Rio says, “if we’re not welcome here.”

Beth’s eyes cut to him, then back to Marcus. “Would you like some pencil crayons to draw while I talk to your dad?” When he nods, she gets out some of the paper and cups of crayons for him, takes them to a table and helps him hang his coat.

Rio’s standing there, waiting for her when she turns around. Beth returns behind the counter and starts to make Marcus a hot chocolate. 

“You gonna make him a salty one too?” Rio asks.

“No,” Beth measures out milk, “I’m not. He hasn’t been rude.”

“Rude?” Rio scoffs. “How?”

“Were you ever going to mention that you’re a restaurant reviewer?” 

“No,” Rio says. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

Beth wants to cross her arms over her chest, but she starts to steam the milk for the hot chocolate. “It has everything to do with it! You absolutely trashed my best friend’s restaurant and you expect me to let you just get away with that?”

“What are you even talking about?”

“Your review of Feast!” Beth snaps. “That’s my best friend’s restaurant.”

His face clears as he begins to understand. “And the experience I had was terrible.”

“Over things that had nothing to do with her! Their supplier -“

“Oh what, I’m taking excuses now?” He sounds pissed. “I look like a school teacher to you?”

“No,” Beth says. “You look like an asshole.”

Rio sighs. “That’s my job. The food was fine, but their menu was all fucked up, I got an entire drink spilled on my leg by the server. I was honest.”

“Well you hurt my friend,” Beth tells him. 

“I didn’t mean to. But if you can’t handle a little criticism, you shouldn’t be in the business.”

“Tell her that.” She picks up the mug of hot chocolate and sets it on a tray, along with a cookie, then takes it to the table where Marcus is drawing very carefully inside the lines of a colouring page of birds.

“Hi!” he says again, putting down his pencil crayon. “Thank you. Why are you mad at my dad?”

Beth swallows. “Uh -“

Rio saves her from having to answer that politely.

“Know how I write about restaurants?” Rio joins them, taking a seat across from his son, who nods. “I said something not nice about one that her friend owns.”

Marcus nods again. “You should apologize then.”

Rio’s brow goes up. “I should?”

“Uh huh,” Marcus tells him, pulling the hot chocolate close enough to blow on. “That’s what you always tell me I have to do if I hurt somebody’s feelings.”

“I guess I do.”

“So you should apologize to the nice lady’s friend. Then maybe she’ll be nice to you again.” Marcus sips his hot chocolate.

Rio looks up at Beth. “Think so?” he directs the question at his son.

“Yeah. She’s nice to me and I didn’t hurt her friend’s feelings,” Marcus reasons. “And you said she was nice to you before you were mean. So you should apologize and ask what you can do to fix it. This is delicious hot chocolate.”

Beth bites her lip. Rio’s son is looking at his father like he’s disappointed in him and when he shakes his little head and purses his lips, she almost smiles.

“That’s very sweet of you, Marcus.”

He smiles at her. “If my dad apologizes to you and your friend, will you be nice to him again? He really likes your stuff and he brings me treats sometimes. He says you’re really pretty too.”

Rio groans.

Beth stares at Marcus. 

“Right, dad?” 

Beth turns her head towards Rio. 

“Not the way I was gonna say that to you,” he admits. “Was gonna ask you out first.”

She opens her mouth, shuts it again. She can feel her cheeks pinking. “Is that something that you’re interested in still?” She can hear how high pitched her voice gets at the end and wants to curl up in a ball of embarrassment.

Rio’s lips twitch. “I dunno,” he says, “depends on whether or not I’m in trouble with you.”

Beth bites her lip, trying not to smile.

“You should say yes.”

She had forgotten about Marcus. Turning to look at him, he’s taking a bite out of his cookie and smiling at her.

“Well,” she says, “with an endorsement like that.”

Rio laughs. “How about it?”

She chews on the inside of her cheek. “How about I get you a new coffee?” she offers. “Start with that.”

———————————

They go out two days later, agreeing not to mention the restaurant review. 

This is a bit easier when it turns out that he’s making dinner for her.

He looks a little sheepish when she shows up at his door, white apron wrapped around his waist. “I find it -“ he pauses as he takes her jacket, “difficult to eat out.” He rubs his hand over the back of his head. “Hard to shut off the reviewer part of my brain.”

“You don’t have trouble at the café,” Beth remarks, following him into a modern loft.

He smiles at her. “Yeah, well everything you make is amazing. Plus it’s not what I review.”

“Ah.” 

Rio is an excellent cook. Everything is from scratch, even the noodles, although he admits that he bought them.

“There’s this lady who lives next to my mom,” he explains. “Best noodles you’ve ever had in your life.”

“You’ve got my hopes up now,” Beth comments, nodding when he holds up a bottle of wine for her approval. He pours them both a glass.

“It’s worth it,” he swears. “Just a couple more minutes.”

Beth looks around the loft. “Marcus is with his mom?”

Rio nods. “I have weekends. What about you? You’ve got four kids, yeah?”

“You remembered.” She’d told him once, probably ages ago, at the café. “You didn’t mention that you have one.”

He shrugs. “Guess I have a habit of playing it close to the chest.” He turns off the stove and moves the pot to a trivet on the island and starts to serve them. Then, he’s untying the apron and tossing it so it’s on the bit of counter next to the sink.

It’s pretty obvious that Rio knows what he’s doing with food and dinner is delicious.

“Oh my god,” Beth says after a few bites. “I can never cook for you.”

He smiles. “No?”

“This is great,” she tells him. “Plus, you’re a restaurant critic!”

“Yeah, restaurant,” he says. “If I’m being fed anywhere else, I’m good.”

“How’d you get into it?” Beth asks before taking another bite.

They talk through dinner and dessert, a chocolate torte that Rio admits is the only dessert he can make.

“If you can make this, you can make other things,” Beth tells him.

He shakes his head. “I’m hopeless with baking.”

“All you have to do is read directions!” Beth laughs. “Oh, let me guess, you don’t like being told what to do.”

“Can’t say that I do,” he tells her.

It doesn’t take long for him to get her to the couch as they finish off their glasses of wine, chatting a bit about their favourite sweets. 

“That peanut caramel brownie you made?” Rio groans. “That was so fucking good.”

Beth maintains eye contact as she sets her now empty glass on a coaster. “Oh?” she says, leaning a little towards him.

Rio puts his down as well, but doesn’t bother with the coaster. “Yeah.”

Then he’s bridging the last bit of distance to kiss her.

He’s a great kisser, just the right amount of pressure and tongue and - Beth gasps as he palms her neck and pushes her onto her back, hovering over top of her. He slowly lowers himself until he’s between her parted thighs.

“This good?” he asks.

Beth nods, pulling his mouth back to hers.

The longer that they kiss and the more they rub together, the more obvious Rio’s erection gets through his pants. 

It can’t be comfortable, so Beth undoes the button, then lowers the zipper as Rio groans into her mouth. Pulling away, Rio hooks the waistband of his underwear with his thumbs and lowers them until his cock and balls are free.

“Oh.”

Annie had said something about the man that she’d spilled on that night. Annie had not been exaggerating.

“Wow.”

Rio’s hand brushes her cheek. “Keep looking at it like that, I’m gonna get a complex.”

Beth tilts her head back to meet his eye. “That’s gonna take some work,” she deadpans.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Rio says, bending to kiss her, “you’ll enjoy it. Not tonight though.”

They strip quickly, running their hands over newly revealed skin as they continue to kiss. She and Rio take turns jerking him off as he slowly works her up to three fingers, then bends down and tongues her clit until she can’t stand it anymore and comes with a cry. She has to actually nudge his mouth away.

"Too much," she tells him.

He grins, still stroking his cock. "But you taste good," he murmurs.

She shivers at the promise in his voice, then sets her hand on his length as well, rubbing her thumb right beneath the head.

Rio curses softly. "I'm close," he says. "Can I," he sets his other hand on her chest, "here?"

She wants to press her thighs together at that, but he's in between them, keeping her spread open. She nods.

It doesn't take long after that, though she takes over stroking him when he starts to come, his rhythm faltering.

When he finishes, Beth looks down at her chest, where his cum has landed between her breasts. Letting go of him, Beth runs her fingers through it, then maintains eye contact with him while lifting her fingers to her mouth to taste him.

Rio just groans and then folds himself to lick and suck on her nipples until she’s squirming under him and moaning again.

"Guess I'm still hungry," he says into her ear before kissing his way down to her cunt. Beth is pretty sure she's going to die.

———————————

Their second date is a movie screening at a newly refurbished theatre. In the days since their first date, Beth has decided that she wants to take him. Like, really wants to. So she tells him.

“I want you to fuck me,” she says when he’s kissing her against the entryway of his apartment. 

Rio groans into her neck. “You sure?” he asks, straightening up to his full height. Beth nods. “It gets too much, you tell me.”

They start much the same as they had the previous time, Rio eats her out until she’s nearly crying, slowly adding more fingers to stretch her out. At the third, he starts to add lube until Beth’s slippery with it. She's pretty sure she comes at least twice, but she can't be sure.

“You should be on top,” he says, kissing her breasts. “So you can control how deep I’m goin’.”

If she said that those words didn’t make her squeeze around his fingers and whimper, she’d be a liar. And it matches what the internet had told her when she’d googled it after their first…encounter. But she shakes her head and stays on her back.

“I want you all the way,” she pants, reaching down to stroke him, “like this.”

He lets out a strangled laugh. “You sayin’ that now.” But he grabs the condom and puts it on before applying lube all down the length of his cock. 

Rio kisses her and hooks his hands behind her knees to part her legs for him. Beth takes that as an invitation to help him get inside of her, so she grips him in her hand and shifts so that the blunt head is pressing against her cunt. When he sinks in - although that isn’t the right word for it - Beth arches her back and wails. 

Rio’s surprisingly quiet as he fucks her, eyes bouncing back and forth between her face and his cock sinking into her. It feels so good that it’s obscene and Beth is pretty sure that she’s never going to get over how he’s spreading her open.

Finally though, when he’s getting close to his orgasm, he leans down so that his face is just above hers and after kissing her quickly, he talks. “I can’t believe you’re taking me,” he murmurs. 

Beth just moans, speech long gone.

“You’ve got all of me inside of you,” he says, the pace of his hips picking up.

And honestly, Beth’s kind of impressed with herself too.

She runs her hands over his shoulders and groans.

“Am I hurting you?” he checks. She shakes her head. 

“You feel amazing,” she tells him truthfully.

Rio grins, but it falters as he keeps thrusting. “Oh fuck,” he curses. 

“You gonna come?” Beth arches her back to change the angle he’s hitting her at.

He nods.

“Come on then,” Beth says. “Do it.”

He maintains eye contact with her as he reaches his peak, spilling inside of her with a groan.

When he pulls out, Beth whimpers.

“You okay?” he asks.

Beth nods. She just feels empty now.

But Rio takes care of the condom and comes back to bed, pressing in against her and kisses her.

“I like you,” he says.

“You do?”

He nods.

Beth smiles. “I like you too.”

Rio brushes their lips together. “That’s good. Or it would have been real awkward.”

Giggling, Beth wraps her arms around his neck and holds him close.

———————————

Annie cackles. “Oh, this is good.”

Ruby is laughing as well. 

“I’m glad that my love life is so amusing to you,” Beth huffs. She'd so far managed to avoid telling the two of them anything about how her confrontation with C. Mendez aka Rio had gone, but it had finally come out. Complete with her embarrassing introduction to his son.

“Wait, so if he’s the guy I spilled on, that means -“ Annie’s eyes widen. “Damn, guess C. Mendez really does have a reason for all that big dick energy.”

“I still can’t believe you tried to wipe his pants,” Beth scolds her.

Annie just shrugs. “How was I supposed to know that his dick takes up that much space! It’s ludicrous. I’m talking like…” she holds up her hands and starts moving them away from each other.

Beth chokes and tries to knock her sister’s hand down. “Not necessary, Annie!”

“Wait, I wanna know!” Ruby protests, but Beth has wrestled Annie’s hands down and has a death grip on them.

“I guess I don’t need to ask if he’s a grower or a shower,” Annie says. “If I had a free hand, I’d toast you.”

The meaning of Annie’s words register with Beth as Annie chuckles. Her cheeks get hot, then hotter when she makes eye contact with Ruby.

Annie’s laughter tapers off.

Ruby gasps. “Both?”

Annie shakes her head. “The holy grail of peen? This is just unfair!” 

Beth sips her bourbon and says nothing.

Annie turns thoughtful. “Does he know how to use it though? Like, does he have a technique or is it just a battering ram? Please don’t tell me he’s a two pump chump.”

Beth’s eyes go out of focus as she tries to disassociate.

“I saw her walking a little bowlegged,” Ruby says, considering. 

Beth is moving to Alaska the second she can.

“Well well well,” Annie laughs, “somebody’s a size queen.”

“No I’m not!” Beth insists, looking for some help from Ruby, who starts giggling too.

———————————

“Am I a size queen?”

Rio chokes on his sip of water. “What?” he croaks.

“Am I size queen?” Beth repeats, glancing down at Rio’s groin.

Rio wipes his mouth on the back of his hand and walks towards her. “You with me for my dick?”

Beth shakes her head.

“Would you not be with me if I had a smaller dick?”

Head jerking back, Beth scoffs. “No!”

He grins and before she knows it, she’s sitting on the counter of Rio’s kitchen and he’s standing in between her legs. “Then how about this?” he says, their noses close enough that they’re nearly touching. “You _my_ size queen.”

Beth blushes and pushes at his shoulder, although it doesn’t get her anywhere. “It’s not funny!” 

“Why you asking?” Rio strokes her back.

“Annie,” Beth admits. “She said I was a size queen because you have a -“

Rio just keeps grinning, not letting her off the hook.

“Because you’re very well endowed. Which she knows because she spilled that drink on you and then…” Beth trails off.

He shakes his head. “Ain’t a size queen if it’s just one cock. Gotta have a pattern of it,” he grins. “You have a pattern of searching for men with big cocks, Elizabeth?”

“You know I don’t,” Beth mumbles. 

“What, you didn’t look at me and think to yourself, “that’s a man with a massive dick”?” Rio’s eyes widen. 

“No! Well,” Beth corrects, “if I had been asked to guess, I probably would have said yes. I mean, look at you.”

Rio’s smirk is lazy as he runs his eyes over her face. “Yeah? What parts you looking at?”

Beth swallows. “All of them.”

“Be specific,” Rio demands, pulling her close enough that their chests are tightly pressed together. 

“You’re tall,” she says. Rio just snorts. “Your hands are big.”

“No evidence that hand size is indicative of penis size,” Rio says, still smirking. ‘Keep going.”

“The way you -“ Beth clears her throat. “How you move, hold yourself. Confident.”

Rio raises an eyebrow.

“Annie calls it Big Dick Energy,” she mutters.

He laughs. “Confidence ain’t a sign of size either. You better warn your sister about that.”

“Yes, well,” Beth says, dismissing that.

Still laughing, he kisses her, stopping the conversation from going any further.

———————————

There’s a picture of a baby carrot in the group chat when Beth opens it the next afternoon.

_?????_

_Size comparison_ , Annie responds, following that up with a picture of a slightly larger carrot. 

Beth doesn’t rise to the bait, just asks them if they’re still good for Housewives later.

But they keep doing it. And it’s not just Annie either. It’s Ruby that sends the photo of the cucumber.

It doesn’t stop. 

One night, she and Rio are cooking together - the kids and Marcus are both with their other parents - and her phone pings. He’s pressed up against her back as they stir the sauce, so when she unlocks her phone and pulls up the group chat, only to be met by a photo of an eggplant, he sees it too.

Then another eggplant. 

Then a third, incredibly misshapen.

“Why’s your sister sending you all these photos of eggplants?” Rio asks, chin resting on the top of her head.

Beth panics. “We’re planning out a menu with Ruby.”

Then the sauce starts to bubble, so she tosses her phone aside and forgets about it.

Until the next day, when they head to Stan and Ruby’s for Harry’s birthday party with Marcus. It's a bit intense for a first meeting, but Beth is hoping that the presence of children will calm any tempers about Rio's review. To her relief, everyone is civil as she introduces them and she thinks she sees Rio pull Ruby aside at one point.

“So what did you decide on for the menu?” Rio asks Annie after cake, when they're gathered in the kitchen. The kids are outside, chasing each other around, riding one hell of a sugar high. “Those eggplants,” he clarifies when they all look at him.

Ruby shoves a cookie in her mouth so she can’t answer.

Annie smiles. “Well, you know how much Beth loves eggplant,” she says sweetly.

Thing is, Beth doesn’t really like eggplant. And Rio knows it. His eyes narrow and flick to her, taking in her pink cheeks, then he looks at Annie, who’s looking way too pleased, and Ruby, who’s trying not to laugh around a mouthful of cookie.

“Yeah,” he says slowly, “she always likes it when I make it for her at my place. It’s all about the prep.”

Annie perks up. “Tell me more.”

Stan, who has no idea what’s happening, nods. “Yeah, I’m always looking for more ways to get the kids to eat their damn veggies.”

Ruby swallows her cookie. “Trust me honey, you don’t wanna be a part of this,” she says.

“No, no,” Rio drawls, “maybe he wants to know about my technique.”

Beth stares at the ceiling over Ruby’s head.

“You have to take your time with it,” Rio says. “Can’t force it. Make sure it’s ready before you go on to the next step or you’ll just wind up with a big ol’ mess.”

This is it, this is the moment that she dies.

“You might really have to work at it,” Rio goes on, matter of fact, “especially when it’s a big one.”

“Oh my god!” Ruby interrupts. “We were talking about your penis!”

“Yeah, no shit,” Rio shoots back.

Stan just looks at Rio, then back at Beth. “What the hell are you two into?” he asks, then holds up his hand. “You know what, I don’t want to know.”

———————————

“Hello?” Beth answers the phone later that week.

“Seriously????” Annie screeches into the phone. 

“What?” Beth is lost.

“How does that even fit? How do you even move afterwards?”

“What are you talking about?” Beth asks.

“Your boyfriend’s dick,” Annie snaps. “That photo you sent!”

Beth looks down at her phone, switching to speaker as she navigates to their group chat, an uneasy feeling growing.

She’s immediately rewarded with a photo of a very long and girthy zucchini. 

Rio. Rio had been in charge of pulling up her grocery list earlier at the store. Then he’d walked off with it. Apparently to the produce section.

She can’t stop staring at the photo. Is that even possible? She winces at the thought. 

“Your vagina must have serious whiplash,” Annie says, “and I have so many questions.”

Beth hangs up and walks to the kitchen when Rio’s making tea. She holds up the phone, photo on full screen. 

He grins. "Maybe your sister will stop being so interested in my dick now," he says.

Biting back a grin, Beth sets down the phone. He's got a point.

**Author's Note:**

> In an attempt to make myself write things that aren't always 10k+, I'm taking prompts on tumblr (or on here if you prefer). They will all be unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine and I'll be uploading them as a series rather than chapters because seeing that 1/? is stressful. I'm still working on all my other stuff as well, so most of those should be updating soon. As always, if there's something you think should be warned for, please let me know.
> 
> I was too lazy to write anything about Beth's kids other than that they exist.


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